Relationships With Unbelieving Family

Our Thursday evening discussion at Awakening Church about the biblical boundaries for relationships with unbelievers led to a follow-up question.

How should a Christian couple with young children govern relationships with unsaved family members? Would holidays together or sleepovers with grandparents be sinful or unwise?

This is an amazing question and I love the heart of the parent that thinks this way for two reasons. It shows the deep concern to fulfill the real responsibility to guard and raise a child in the Lord, and it shows a concern to honor parents and family relationships that God has sovereignly ordained in our lives.

I’ll begin by saying there are many circumstances that I won’t be able to predict or cover. For those difficult situations, I recommend speaking with your Elders and bringing their wisdom to bear on the specific scenario you may be confronted with. Apart from that advice, we can see in Scripture many helpful truths as we manage these types of relationships and priorities in our lives.

Honor Christ Above All

The honor, respect, worship, and obedience we owe to Christ must come before and govern all other relationships. Christ's blood-bought right over our life places upon believers the divine requirement for real, loving deference to God. This obedience to Christ in the ordering of our lives flows from a regenerated heart out of love for the Savior and functions as evidence to ourselves and those around us that we have been born again. These truths give us some good and wise boundaries for relationships surrounding unbelievers, even unbelieving family members.

As believers, we should avoid false religion, depart from ungodly traditions, and not participate in family sins. Insofar as any circumstances would include those behaviors, we must show deference to God and not the world, even when that includes unsaved family or friends. Instead, our lives should revolve around the priority of (especially concerning our children) church attendance, biblical instruction, worship, ordinances, service, evangelism, and the living of each day for the glory of God.

Raising and Protecting Children

Christian parents have a God-ordained duty to perform concerning their children. We must start by believing this truth. Abraham is told to “command his children and his household after him to keep the way of the LORD” (Gen 18:19). Fathers are instructed to “not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” (Eph 6:4). The wisdom of God tells us to “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” (Prov 22:6) When we approach situations regarding our children, it’s not just the removal of negative influence or sin that should be a concern, it’s a lack of positive obedience that weighs heavily on my thinking surrounding this issue also. When thinking through these circumstances we must remind ourselves that there is no neutral ground for the world or for grandparents to stand on. In my experience, this kind of thinking dominates the issue.
 
If the unbelieving grandparents don’t actively or openly sin (e.g. cursing, blasphemy, drunkenness, movie choices) my children should be okay to spend a week or a weekend with them alone. It might not be a positive or Godly environment, but the grandparents have agreed not to do certain negative or sinful things in front of the children.

This line of thinking maintains the possibility of creating neutral ground on which the children could be handed over for certain agreed-upon visits or vacations. Scripture gives a different perspective when it comes to the possibility of neutrality. Jesus taught that “Whoever is not with me is against me, and whoever does not gather with me scatters.” (Matt 12:30) Those two things are not similar at all, gathering and scattering are opposed to each other in every way. Understanding this about neutrality helps us to draw parental boundaries for the glory of God, and the good of children.

We understand these principles more innately when it comes to physical situations.  Would you allow your child to sleep over in a situation that would potentially bring them bodily harm? No. This question should be answered with the same kind of ease when spiritual harm is considered. The issue is that while we are rightly attuned to watchfulness for physical danger, we act as if spiritual danger is of minor or no consequence.
When the parents and children can be together during family gatherings, holiday events, or family visits wise biblical boundaries for sinful, God-dishonoring behavior can be used to protect the children. At the same time, positive commands and duties of a believer may be taught and exemplified for the children’s instruction and edification.

When setting up biblical, God-honoring boundaries for children, God’s commands to parents and the spiritual good of children should be considered top priorities. These don’t have to be static positions. As children age and mature the boundaries may change based on evolving circumstances, but to treat the parental duty and spiritual well-being of children as secondary concerns would be to miss the mark in a major way.
 
Your parenting is the most significant influence in the life of your child, and Godly parenting should fight back against the harmful influences that seek to destroy not just the bodies but the souls of our children.

God’s Sovereignty in Family

After considering what has been said, we should also remember that none of us have been placed in families by accident. The wisdom and purpose of God are as active in our family makeup as in individual salvation. 
When we find ourselves in situations where unbelieving family members can hear and see the gospel of Christ, we should avail ourselves of every opportunity to make clear their need for a Savior. When we make wise decisions that place God in the highest place of honor and glory, we give our unsaved family members exactly what they need. Compromise and acceptance of sin (such as unbelief) are ineffective methods for displaying the radical need for saving grace in a sinner's life. 
These opportunities may be used to teach children the importance of evangelism and prayer by starting with beloved family members who have yet to accept the gospel. Don’t shut out an unsaved grandparent from your lives completely, instead use these moments to display the importance of the gospel message to the family God has given you. This kind of biblical love must be grounded in the Word of God and not the compromise of emotion. Be prepared for questions, confusion, or even anger by unsaved relatives who might be provoked by their feelings over your decisions and spiritual boundaries, and pray that their need for Christ is made clear in love. (Eph 4:15)